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eulogy for eclair

2025 apr 23

what's new with the site?

• added "posts" section to junkbox;
• added 2 new drawings;
• swapped counter service.

current main projects:

1. set up ocs profiles
2. digital sketchbook
3. weekly game journal entries

i'm sure you can tell from the title of this post, that the purpose of this entry is more about the next section than this, but i'll briefly go over things anyway.

first, i added a "posts" page to the junkbox section of my site. this is for menial rants & life updates that i don't feel are appropriate to warrant a new blog post; how that will affect the "what's new with me" section of these posts in the future, i'm not sure, but we'll play it by ear. i've wanted something like this for a while.

also, i changed my page hit count service, since it seems my old one's website got taken down. i'm now using a counter that chronicles any visits to any pages on the site ( with a unique IP ) ... which is a much bigger number than my previous, which only counted hits to the home page. it's the same that neocities uses to display on your profile page. thanks to everyone who has taken a peek at my little spot on the web. :-)

now to the purpose of this post. if you are uncomfortable with discussions of pet death, you can head out now.

what's new with me?

on friday the 18th, well & i took an emergency drive down to see my mom; she had texted me earlier that week that our family cat, eclair, had reached the end of life stage of kidney disease. she was very sleepy, but besides that & being a wobbly, she was her usual self: loud & cranky. it was the last time either of us were going to see her, so we enjoyed as much of the day as we could just sitting with her & petting her as she allowed it.

on april 22nd, she reached her 18th birthday. as is customary, she was given a little cheese to celebrate, even though her very sensitive tummy almost guaranteed a bowel disaster. my mom told me, although she didn't eat much of her treat, she seemed happy to get it.

today, april 23rd, at 1pm, she will be euthanized at home.

we got eclair when she was a kitten. i had never had a kitten before -- we had a cat prior to eclair ( relsky ) but she was an adult by the time i was born. i had also been obsessed with cats & cat breeds for time before this, and had been asking to get a ragdoll for a while. i had wanted one so badly, in fact, that my naive child mind would prop up on my bed any night i saw a shooting star & wish on it, that one day i'd have one of these cats for my own. what was i so enamoured with ragdolls for, as a kid? i couldn't tell you. all i remember is being happy as all hell the day we went to bring eclair home.

we drove a while to pick her up -- several hours. there were not a lot of established breeders at the time, so we were limited in choice mostly by proximity. i remember my mom complained for years after the fact that i "had to pick the most stand-offish kitten of the bunch" in reference to her crotchety nature, but basically up until i left for college, she was, to me, the sweetest; i couldn't have asked for a better friend.

when we got home, we holed her up in my room for a few days before letting her run free in the house. we had a dog at the time -- another cherished friend of mine -- and we wanted to make sure they could sniff each other outside the door before seeing each other face to face. all i remember of this time was how savagely she tore up the carpet between my door & the hallway, because she was so antsy to get out & explore.

from then on, she was our funny girl. she enjoyed doing things like stretching out & "walking" along the walls when you carried her, or trying to hide & strike at my dog as she stepped over her -- spencer was a lab mix, after all, she was a decently sized pup. she also enjoyed jumping in boxes, and i have a particular memory of her peeking out of a wooden crate we used to store towels by the door, which we used to wipe off our feet after going outside. and of course, her greatest joy of all, was indulging in a fine treat of dairy: cheese, ice cream, butter, all items of luxury to her; i loved to sneak her these things ( in reasonable doses, i promise ) because the madness that would fill her eyes was incredible. it got to be so intense, that by some point, my mom simply opening the container of sugar would bring eclair racing to the kitchen, because she knew it meant butter would be out soon too.

i was home alone most of the time. i remember she would always greet me when i got home from school by the door. when i'd sit down at our kitchen table to do homework, she'd prop herself up on my lap & fall asleep with her nose buried in my arm. this made doing work difficult, as you can imagine ... but i always thought it was funny how she wouldn't budge no matter how much i had to move my arm to write.
i also grew up kind of distant. it was difficult for me to connect to people. i always loved to be with my animals, though. i liked to take eclair outside on our deck & supervise her as she sloooowly explored the outdoors; she seemed enthused by all the sights & smells, and i loved how curious she was.

on multiple occasions, she got "lost" outside ... sincerely, i can't remember if any of these were my fault -- i'm guessing no, because i don't think i could ever escape the guilt of something like that to the point that i'd forget i'd done it -- but more importantly, none of them ended in tragedy. just dumb stress in the moment.
one time, i believe she got out while it was raining. she didn't get very far, fortunately, as a few minutes later, she was at the door drenched to all hell, looking like a proverbial drowned rat. she was used to baths at this point ( but didn't enjoy them ) so i suppose getting soaked like that was routine ... unpleasant, but routine.
another time, my mom & i were out of town for a funeral in the extended family, i believe, and my brother had come by to babysit the animals for us. my mom kept it a secret from me until it was resolved, but apparently my brother lost eclair somewhere & couldn't find her for a day or two. after leaving food out for her, it turned out that she was stuck in our damn garage! oh, poor girl ...
there were surely more scares, but these two are the main ones i remember. at the very least, i was surely responsible for inspiring a desire to venture outside in her ... we're just lucky she wasn't the type to try escaping every single time a door was opened.

maybe halfway through her life, i had to leave for college. my mom was left taking care of her while i was gone, and this period marked a turning point in her personality. college was filled with disruption -- for eclair, this meant me being gone for months at a time, having to abandon our home of 20-some years as rising costs forced us to move, and also losing her longtime playmate spencer. when i came back, she was a lot more cranky -- she tolerated everyone poorly except my mom, and even then my mom still got the stink eye now & then. but despite putting on airs, she did still enjoy my company ... it just had to be on her terms.

after i finished school & managed to move out on my own, my time with her got even more sparse. i'd see her every now & then for holidays, but that was it. and for a long time here, despite not being in my life anymore, really, she remained a rock for me. she was predictable. as i was finally reconciling with the difficulties of my childhood & coming to terms with my parents being abusive, she was the only thing keeping my relationship with my mom at all tangible; i never wanted to see my mom, but i always wanted to see eclair.
my mom took good care of her, but she wouldn't ever play with her. anytime we visit, she'd prime herself for playtime in her own dismissive, nonchalant way ... and it was this gesture that had me confident that she still loved me, even though i abandoned her. pets were still on a rare case-by-case baslis, but i knew i could always bond with her through her toys.

this continued on for many years ... until last year, 2024.
around this time, eclair started getting UTIs. she was old, we knew anything could be the end for her at this point. we had a few scares. but she kept on fighting.

once, we went to see her around christmas time. christmas, 2024. this was the second to last time i would see her, although at the time, i feared it would actually be my last.
this was after she had recovered from a UTI, but was still not 100%. when we arrived at my mom's, both well & i were shocked ... because she was so affectionate. she headbutt us & purred when we pet her. it only lasted a little bit -- she got cranky & meandered off to her room upstairs after a bit -- but i couldn't believe it. it had been years since she was this openly warm towards either of us. and she was playful! my mom had said she didn't bother with anything, but she was enthusiastic to play with her toys with us! it was not a good christmas for me, but i left that night thinking, if this were the last i ever saw eclair, i would be happy. knowing she had that much spunk near the end like that gave me hope.

but ... she deteriorated somewhat rapidly after that. and i think we all knew it would happen like this, but of course none of us wanted to accept it.

eclair, you were an incredible cat & incredible friend. i will love you forever. you will always be a legendary animal, to me & my friends, who all cowered in fear of your regal 12 lbs of splendor.
i hope you had a nice time with us, and that you were happy. because i had a very nice time with you.

when i am no longer distraught, i will go through the trouble of uploading some photos to the post. for now, thank you for reading, and please excuse any typos.