last post of the year~
2023 dec 31
what's new with the site?- added new game journal entries.
2023 retrospection ...
the bulk of today's post is going to be reflecting on my year. as always, you're free to read if you'd like, but if you're not interested -- i just want to say up front, thank you to everyone who's stopped by my little site these past few months. although i don't get much traction, it makes me happy to know the handful of folks who stop by have enjoyed their time here, even if it was brief. thanks for leaving comments; for earnestly checking stuff out; for giving me & my thoughts a shot. i hope to keep bulking the place up, and making it even more entertaining a hub for folks to just roll up to & relax for a bit. have a lovely new year, everyone. let's do our best to take care of ourselves & each other.
i'm not interested in following trends in terms of aesthetics; i am happy with my site, and i'll be sticking with it until i'm not. what i am interested in, though, is learning more thoroughly about accessibility options. design standardization in modern websites is in part due to ease of access -- if everyone is doing the same thing, then no one needs to reinvent the wheel in terms of how to make your sites work for as many guests as possible. as i'm not willing to use premades or standardized page layouts, i feel i've sort of dug myself an inconvenient hole in this department ... so while i've been thinking about readability & such since i started working on the site, i've also been learning a lot more when it comes to the subtleties of accessibility, and realizing i need to do a lot more work to make things look good. color contrast, image descriptions, responsive web design for all devices & viewports, fonts, language choices, load times ... lots and lots and lots of things to consider when building & designing a website. and again, i have considered these things ... but i just feel like i keep finding more things i want to address.on my about page, i have contact info listed -- if you've visited my site & found some things clunky or difficult to view, please send me a message detailing what you experienced. i can't say i'll get to it right away or anything, but having concrete examples of problems to address does help.
another thing i want to work on next year ... is my art page. every blog post i talk about having plans but making no progress, and the reason i keep struggling with this is that ... i just can't decide what i want. after posting art on various socmeds for the majority of my life ( oh god ), i've grown somewhat dissatisfied with that kind of formula; i get too anxious about numbers, and whether people think i'm stupid or embarrassing for what i post, but ... i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss getting feedback. i love hearing people leave their thoughts on my art!! it's my favorite part of sharing, and indeed, is the entire reason i share!! it makes me happy! and i like making people happy, too. hearing what people like about my art reassures me. ( don't worry, i know the drill, i don't make art for other people's approval, i create for the sake of creating, etc etc. but i'm only human! )so, i've been trying to figure out ways to allow for comments without turning this into another exercise in insanity. which actually has been pretty difficult, although not for the reasons i had assumed they would be: it's actually quite hard to find decent information on how to set up a comment-per-post section on your website, and what info i have found is confusing or frustrating. while my guestbook allows people to leave broader comments, i still think it would be nice to allow for individual comments per drawing or post ... but i may just need to move on from this dream.
that isn't all that's had me struggling, though. the general layout of the thing is making me crazy, as well as how to store images and generate thumbnails. this i think i genuinely have an idea for that i'm happy with ... but this all leaves my final roadblock still in the way, which is ... i don't know what i want to share. if it wasn't obvious from all my hemming & hawing, i'm a bit insecure about my art: it isn't high art, it isn't conceptual, it isn't polished or nice or interesting ... but i make it because i like it, and i share it because i hope there are other people who like it too. my initial plan with this website's portfolio was to be a dumping grounds of sorts of sketches, wips, "ugly" art, etc ... you know, stuff i'm more bashful about than normal -- indeed, the entire point of this website was to shed ideas of shame & fear, and just let stuff be -- but of course, i keep having hang ups about this. i just need to bite the bullet and do it, though!!
so this year ... i'm just gonna do it. i will think on all the other personal websites i've stumbled upon with art pages, and think about how fun i've thought those were, and hope that others will feel the same about mine. and ... i'm just gonna do it!!!! yagh!!
besides that, my goals are kind of to just keep workin' on the site. i want to get all my OCs' pages up to a skeleton display at a bare minimum, so they can be used as reference materials; i want to keep playing games & writing my thoughts down in my journal; i want to find more fun personal pages to link to; i want to start gathering material for my shrines; i want to keep being indulgent and not worry about it.
i've always been miserable, and i've tried so many things to not wallow in that feeling. as far as things goes, i have a very nice life; and as much baggage as i've got, it's my responsibility to deal with it and not let it fester, as unfair as that is. it's hard to move on and grow, but my lord, i need to. i don't want to keep feeling like junk all the time anymore, and maybe more importantly, i don't want to make the people around me feel like junk just, like, being around me. you know? there's some things i'll never change, but that's alright -- i just need to rebuild those good habits to manage them again.
i'm sure i can get better ... i'm not a unique case ... i just really gotta try though! something tangential but still related that i want to address in 2024, is my hand-wrist-arm health. i want to build muscle in my forearms so that i can paint again -- i desperately miss being able to draw with pen pressure and elegance and style, but man, i miss SO much the feeling of painting. i haven't made a nice drawing in so long because i can't really render anything anymore ... and that sort of leads me to rely on sketchy or lazier artstyles. it's still fun, but i want to try harder again. i want to make art that makes me happy again.
besides maybe having to go to physical therapy, i'm gonna try to find some good workouts for wrist & arm strength. and besides that, i'm gonna try doing daily studies again -- just quick stuff, to try and remember how to draw good poses and bodies and objects and stuff. i haven't done studies in ... years. i'm really rusty. it's been awful.
working on my mental health is definitely going to help my approach to art, but there's only so much i can do in that department if my physical is still bad. i also want to reach out to friends more. i don't have a lot, and i've been so lethargic this year, i haven't had the energy to really give them enough attention ... but i appreciate them. if you're one of them and you're reading this, i do love you dearly, and i'm sorry i'm not a better friend. i'm going to try to be though! in general, i'm just going to do my best and hope i can make progress in 2024. i want to be a better, happier person, for my sake, and for the sake of the important people in my life. i want to be a rock for them, but i can't be if i can't even support myself. ... haa ... long entry, sorry. i don't want to use this blog to vent or mope too much, but i'll at least be honest here in the new year self-reflection post, hahah. i know many people are struggling this year -- a lot has happened on the global scale, and at this very moment, there's wars and genocide being carried out in many of our names, against our wills -- but let's all try to make the best of it. give what we can to each other, take care of ourselves, learn to make the hard decisions & live with them, speak out for good causes, get to know your neighbors, eat good food, all that jazz. and let's all keep fighting for a better future together. your cause is my cause, and my cause is yours! have a safe new year, everyone!
